I, Julian Clary, have done for mincing what Michael Flatley did for Irish dancing.

But has the bottom fallen out of the homosexual meat market? I must tour my kingdom to find out…

In these difficult times I feel I should go and comfort my people in the provinces. My friend Damien tells me the men are very hard up in Sheffield. I only hope I’m not too late.

I’m 50. The shame of it. This will be an intimate evening – a celebration, no less, of my twenty-five years in the camp spotlight: how I got there and why I refuse to leave. Come and see me before they put me in a home for tired old knackers.

Not suitable for anyone under 16.

"LOTS OF CAMP SMUT AND DOUBLE ENTENDRES - THIS SHOW DOESN'T DISAPPOINT - HE WAS SIDE-SPLITTINGLY HILARIOUS"
Daily Mirror (for Lord of the Mince, 2009)